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Posts Tagged ‘world’

Yesterday morning the wind still whispered through the lime tree. Yeah, yesterday morning heaven was still empty and the world a livable place. Towns became dead alleys, houses became deserted, streets became overpopulated. Criminality celebrated heydays, governments bluntly committed fraud en justice only existed for the rich. Something had to be changed, but recovering all damage was more costly than taking down everything and start all over. The measures had failed. The reorganizations to save anything that was not yet completely broken were insufficient. The Dream Towns had flopped, in every way. How could the people not be satisfied with all possible facilities, equality, sustainability, perfection, a social tax system en preservation of local culture? Because it was no reality: the mirror that was showed to the civilians already was a lie at the time; now its shatters were spread around the globe, between wreckages of a ripped society. A chain reaction had wrenched the world and all taboos like discrimination, refugees, child soldiers and state of war again moved freely across the planet. Back again? Rather back at the surface. – Naftaly Inganor

My essay is about the history from fifty years ago until present. It was a turbulent period with a lot of wars. Then came a man called Lance D. Lansbury who everyone thought of as good. He promised nice things. He was very good at guiding people but he also started lying. Lance D. Lansbury had soldiers that were everywhere and the people got really scared. At school children learned that Lance D. Lansbury was good, but he was not, at all. When he grew older his sun Urion L. Lansbury became leader of the Empire. He called himself Urion Mirror. He was a lot worse than his father en there were lots of bloodbaths. Everything went very wrong when some people revolted against the new leader. The people who want peace call themselves puzzle pieces and then they started to eksecute their plan. A lot of Urion Mirror’s soldiers died. Lance D. Lansbury lost his power but his son still is the boss. The puzzle pieces fight against him to obtain peace. – Amber Minelja

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Reality sometimes plays havoc with my understanding. Although it has been said freaks adore confusion, I’d prefer some unexpected light upon my wrecked and troubled certainty. It feels as if my intellect is not sufficient to comprehend the complicated interactions between people. I used to accuse my poor emotional quotient of this delusional image flashing upon my inner eye, but lately I became convinced reality is far from a rational world. Writing down these doubts hopefully offers some clearing. Therefore, this is a true story. It is also a classic story. Just a random group of male and female friends in which reality emerges close by, almost intrusive, and resembles the level of a soap.

One of my best friends in the group, Katy, recently broke up with her boyfriend. This guy was one of the five guys in the random group, but he also belonged to another group of just male friends. For now I will call him Sam. After they split up, my friend was very down and could not stop crying and worrying while she was convinced she had made a right decision. I supported that. But I noticed something else, a thing that made my stomach ache. One of the guys from the group, the sharp-witted and handsome William, showed above average interest in my now single friend, who is really pretty with her dark red curls and spouted lips. Next to her, I am nearing the ugly, skinny know-it-all who struggles to fit in.

It turned out, like seven months ago, I had fallen in love with William. But I did not want him, and he seemed far from interested in me. It made things incredibly complicated, as we often met as a group and we had to do stuff friends do, but somehow my shyness and confusing feelings made me screw up everything I said or did to him. I acted like a complete idiot, behaving not quite like myself. And it was one night in the very near past I became afraid William had fallen in love with Katy, and Katy would eventually fall for him, as they already were having these little jokes between them – of which she told me enthusiastically.

Of course I wanted to have a boyfriend, but not just anyone. William just caused some positive shivering in my tummy, but I knew very well I created a mind-based fantasy which was far from the beer-drinking, soccer-watching, always-bantering guy he was. Though I had seen he was also caring and very kind, the thing that annoyed me most was his lack of seriousness and the fact our views of life were contrary like day and night. I knew for sure it would not work out.

Another friend of mine, Antoinette, was dating John, who had been a friend of William long before we all met each other. Antoinette was the spontaneous blonde who was very sensitive to boy’s attention and that is why – she told me! – she is having a relationship with John though she is not in love. I could never do that, but I understood why she could. It was visible for anyone who looked beyond the platonic interaction inside the group. Anyone would notice there are not much sparks between them, which is sad because John is extremely kind and a good folk to laugh with (or about), though I cannot blame Antoinette for not falling in love with him. Neither did I, while he pays much more attention to me than William does, though I somehow granted him my hidden butterflies…

One and a half year ago I was having the same ‘problem’ as Antoinette. A guy had fallen for me, he was nice and caring, but that was all. There was no excitement, no lightning bolts striking through my body as we kissed, no heavy lump for a heart when I thought of him. The sparks just lacked. We dated only for four months or so, never got to the real stuff because he was shy and not particularly charming, which did not stimulate me to take some steps on my own. Somehow he got this idea in his mind we were very going along very well, even wanting me to introduce to his family. It was a hell of a job to break up with him. I told him the news in personal after I got back from a holiday with my parents and four of my female friends. It went easily, and I coddled the fake hope I could heave a sigh of relief that I hurt someone but it was okay now.

It turned out it was not. He began stalking me with e-mails I answered rather snappy – which is an understatement – but all I wanted was him to leave me alone. I dumped him, yes, but what kind of guy does not see his girlfriend is not feeling happy in the relationship anymore?! Must be the wrong guy then, or do girls pretend too much everything is fine because we do not like hurting people in the first place? In the end, my ex and I argued in e-mails, throwing about nasty language, and ignored each other when we accidentally passed by at school. Fortunately, he did not do the same subjects as I did.

I always remind myself my ex was the in-between of two crushes. Before dating my ex-boyfriend I was in love with another guy, Ray. He was a colleague (like my ex) with cute curly hair and bright blue eyes, which is exactly my type of guy and, apart from the dark blue eyes, my ex did not have any characteristics of the type I prefer. But like with William, the world views of Ray and me were like day and night, and I suspected this would not work out anyhow. He was, moreover, not interested in me as far as I could tell, which made it a lot easier to get over it.

During the holiday with my parents, I met this other boy, Julio, who had the most beautiful blue eyes in the world and was cute – nearly cuddly – in all he did. Of course, I started to doubt my relationship of those days and realised that if I was able to fall for another guy than the one I was dating, there was somewhere something very wrong. It justified breaking-up a little more: it was not just because I did not like my ex so much, but there was someone else, which I always thought of as a lame excuse to end a relationship, but now I had experienced this myself I found it very reasonable. It was impossible to continue with the one person if your mind and heart were with the other person. I never told my ex, just stated I missed the sparks.

In the end, I am still awaiting a guy who loves me and I love him back and his kiss which will cause a warm jolting experience in my body. So far, I never dated or kissed guys I was in love with, which I regret very much. All the experience hardened my heart, I had hoped so, but this reality still plays havoc with my understanding, no matter how much I keep telling I do not want to get involved in all this pop love and switching of lovers. Perhaps I am not the one with poor emotional quotient. My head and heart are bickering like two bitches, controlling one another, illicitly vile. Yeah, the thing I fear most is Katy and William will form a couple, eventually. This would, of course, not trouble me so much if I get over it.

Last week I read books, since a very long time. In plain language the deep love I can imagine was revealed to me. It is a weird thing, me longing for this deep love but somehow never have experienced it in real life. But I know it is just the collision of falling in love and being loved back. It cannot be too hard to fall for a guy who has also fallen for me, huh? So I can escape this envying of people heading for or having relationships.

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That hollow ball inside

Dispersing acid all about

Blend those salty tears, cry

But don’t blink, don’t break

Still divine and so beloved

Though crossed and cut, falling apart

Uneven trade, call to your heart

don’t clutch that love, let go

Eyes perceive the outside world

Swirling about the untouched core

Those flowers, trees and animals

And rays of sunlight easing pain

Cultures flowing, clashing now

Disappear in long time ago past

And finding yourself tightly hold

Your breathing locked within

All that`s temporary will not last

It’s calling for some temperance

The world around so precious

Mocked by war and cruelty

Keep dreaming of that peaceful world

If you feel pain your heart´s still there

Please, my darlings, stay alive

while loving all you see around

Poem by Christina Bay

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discussions come and go

and never end

the meaning of life

is an old subject

worthless

without sustaining life

holding on to ideals

nobody knows why

but everybody behaves like a sheep

like blindfolded idiots

we travel a common way

and do not doubt

only few doubt

but nobody knows exactly

the answer to all the whys

it is all veiled

a troubled vision

as if we are not supposed to know

the few stand alone

yet their voices do not break

the sheep only eat

but the shepherds try

to collect the common sense

and call out the awareness

doubtless once it ends

when is just one of the whys

we hope and fear

and share useless prayers

does a shepherd need to tell

his sheep the grass is bad?

any fool should behold

the discussion is a waste of time

burn the outdated thoughts

the shepherd needs to tell

his sheep to leave the way

and take another turn

Poem by Christina Bay

*prosaic poetry

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Sometimes you feel you need to change the world. The days pass by and all you see is just not quite right. There are people who say they love you, but somehow they seem to love other people as well. You are content with your best friend(s), but somehow you never say them ‘I love you’. Why is that? Do we use the word ‘love’ only for our mothers, fathers, brothers, sisters and our lovers? But don’t you need to get to know the other one before you can speak of love? When does friendship turn into love? And how long does a friendship has to exist before it is possible to become a lover’s relation? But where to place love at first sight? And the unexpected cloud of butterflies rouming around in your system when you spot a cute guy or hot chick? Aren’t friends the ones you talk with about these crushes?

It may seem clear to you, but since I was a little girl I’ve always been wondering how people connect their souls within a relationship. I liked the fairytales of Cinderella and Snow White, the story of Sissy and those romcom’s in which girls and women live happily ever after with their prince. When I grew older parents of my friends got divorced. I heard and read about fourteen year old girls who were given away as brides. I found out about indoor violence, child abuse, porn, cheating, feuds, murder and impossible love. And I became afraid I may never find the boy of my dreams.

I always wished for someone nice, caring, funny, intelligent, practical, neat, handsome, understanding, none-religious, none-smoking etc, prefarably with blue eyes and brown hair. ‘Loving’ was never one of my conditions. I wonder why. Today I read in the newspaper, women appreciate it when their boyfriend or husband from time to time tells them ‘I love you’. Somehow I always have to think of those loverboys and abusive men who tell their victim ‘I love you’ in order to chain them to him. To me, it feels like a fake thing, an unnecessary utterance. I don’t have to hear from a guy that he loves me, he can show me he does. And I will understand. Perhaps I’m just not a common western girl, as Asian men look down on western women because we (or they) seem to abuse the word ‘love’.

Nearly every day I feel I need to change the world. I want to climb on a stage and call out: ‘Where are you?! I am here, waiting. I like music and writing stories and poetry. I am becoming an environmental scientist. I am not difficult at all as long as you…’ I have expectations. Uncounciously, I expect to find the boy of my dreams. I rather think I will find a boy, or no boy at al. He could only surpass my expectations by being beyond expectations. It is just sad how many people are disappointed in their love life, how crude and real reality is, and how little it looks like the fairytales I enjoyed so much when I was a little girl.

It is no use feeling lonely and depressed, so after you spent some time on your own (single) you begin to realise you hold on to every little bit of hope. And, unfortunately, these sparks of hope turn out to be not quite right for you. It feels like a huge job that has to be done, and you don’t know where to start. Where to find the boy of your dreams. There is only one thing Idefenitely learned in all these years, a thing I apply to nearly everything I have to wait for: patience. You see, it is also no use accompanied and depressed.

Someday I will change the world. I will find solutions to sociological and environmental problems, I will discuss the biggest failures of mankind and please everyone with the finest, deepest, most dramatic, happy and beautifully composed music and stories. Because, someday, the world will change for me.

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