Posts Tagged ‘Pondering’

Reality sometimes plays havoc with my understanding. Although it has been said freaks adore confusion, I’d prefer some unexpected light upon my wrecked and troubled certainty. It feels as if my intellect is not sufficient to comprehend the complicated interactions between people. I used to accuse my poor emotional quotient of this delusional image flashing upon my inner eye, but lately I became convinced reality is far from a rational world. Writing down these doubts hopefully offers some clearing. Therefore, this is a true story. It is also a classic story. Just a random group of male and female friends in which reality emerges close by, almost intrusive, and resembles the level of a soap.

One of my best friends in the group, Katy, recently broke up with her boyfriend. This guy was one of the five guys in the random group, but he also belonged to another group of just male friends. For now I will call him Sam. After they split up, my friend was very down and could not stop crying and worrying while she was convinced she had made a right decision. I supported that. But I noticed something else, a thing that made my stomach ache. One of the guys from the group, the sharp-witted and handsome William, showed above average interest in my now single friend, who is really pretty with her dark red curls and spouted lips. Next to her, I am nearing the ugly, skinny know-it-all who struggles to fit in.

It turned out, like seven months ago, I had fallen in love with William. But I did not want him, and he seemed far from interested in me. It made things incredibly complicated, as we often met as a group and we had to do stuff friends do, but somehow my shyness and confusing feelings made me screw up everything I said or did to him. I acted like a complete idiot, behaving not quite like myself. And it was one night in the very near past I became afraid William had fallen in love with Katy, and Katy would eventually fall for him, as they already were having these little jokes between them – of which she told me enthusiastically.

Of course I wanted to have a boyfriend, but not just anyone. William just caused some positive shivering in my tummy, but I knew very well I created a mind-based fantasy which was far from the beer-drinking, soccer-watching, always-bantering guy he was. Though I had seen he was also caring and very kind, the thing that annoyed me most was his lack of seriousness and the fact our views of life were contrary like day and night. I knew for sure it would not work out.

Another friend of mine, Antoinette, was dating John, who had been a friend of William long before we all met each other. Antoinette was the spontaneous blonde who was very sensitive to boy’s attention and that is why – she told me! – she is having a relationship with John though she is not in love. I could never do that, but I understood why she could. It was visible for anyone who looked beyond the platonic interaction inside the group. Anyone would notice there are not much sparks between them, which is sad because John is extremely kind and a good folk to laugh with (or about), though I cannot blame Antoinette for not falling in love with him. Neither did I, while he pays much more attention to me than William does, though I somehow granted him my hidden butterflies…

One and a half year ago I was having the same ‘problem’ as Antoinette. A guy had fallen for me, he was nice and caring, but that was all. There was no excitement, no lightning bolts striking through my body as we kissed, no heavy lump for a heart when I thought of him. The sparks just lacked. We dated only for four months or so, never got to the real stuff because he was shy and not particularly charming, which did not stimulate me to take some steps on my own. Somehow he got this idea in his mind we were very going along very well, even wanting me to introduce to his family. It was a hell of a job to break up with him. I told him the news in personal after I got back from a holiday with my parents and four of my female friends. It went easily, and I coddled the fake hope I could heave a sigh of relief that I hurt someone but it was okay now.

It turned out it was not. He began stalking me with e-mails I answered rather snappy – which is an understatement – but all I wanted was him to leave me alone. I dumped him, yes, but what kind of guy does not see his girlfriend is not feeling happy in the relationship anymore?! Must be the wrong guy then, or do girls pretend too much everything is fine because we do not like hurting people in the first place? In the end, my ex and I argued in e-mails, throwing about nasty language, and ignored each other when we accidentally passed by at school. Fortunately, he did not do the same subjects as I did.

I always remind myself my ex was the in-between of two crushes. Before dating my ex-boyfriend I was in love with another guy, Ray. He was a colleague (like my ex) with cute curly hair and bright blue eyes, which is exactly my type of guy and, apart from the dark blue eyes, my ex did not have any characteristics of the type I prefer. But like with William, the world views of Ray and me were like day and night, and I suspected this would not work out anyhow. He was, moreover, not interested in me as far as I could tell, which made it a lot easier to get over it.

During the holiday with my parents, I met this other boy, Julio, who had the most beautiful blue eyes in the world and was cute – nearly cuddly – in all he did. Of course, I started to doubt my relationship of those days and realised that if I was able to fall for another guy than the one I was dating, there was somewhere something very wrong. It justified breaking-up a little more: it was not just because I did not like my ex so much, but there was someone else, which I always thought of as a lame excuse to end a relationship, but now I had experienced this myself I found it very reasonable. It was impossible to continue with the one person if your mind and heart were with the other person. I never told my ex, just stated I missed the sparks.

In the end, I am still awaiting a guy who loves me and I love him back and his kiss which will cause a warm jolting experience in my body. So far, I never dated or kissed guys I was in love with, which I regret very much. All the experience hardened my heart, I had hoped so, but this reality still plays havoc with my understanding, no matter how much I keep telling I do not want to get involved in all this pop love and switching of lovers. Perhaps I am not the one with poor emotional quotient. My head and heart are bickering like two bitches, controlling one another, illicitly vile. Yeah, the thing I fear most is Katy and William will form a couple, eventually. This would, of course, not trouble me so much if I get over it.

Last week I read books, since a very long time. In plain language the deep love I can imagine was revealed to me. It is a weird thing, me longing for this deep love but somehow never have experienced it in real life. But I know it is just the collision of falling in love and being loved back. It cannot be too hard to fall for a guy who has also fallen for me, huh? So I can escape this envying of people heading for or having relationships.

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Sometimes I can’t imagine how naive religious people are.

All they can care about is living a good life and making it to heaven.

But the problems in this world are so big and cannot be solved be merely praying.

We need serious action to find solutions to famines, environmental degradation, water/air pollution, poverty, overpopulation and all those other problems far away from our small lifes.

I think I need to rock the world of the religous people and tell them giving money for charity is not enough.

I think it is even necessary to tell them the developing aid did not work as expected and we are to blame for it.

But somewhere in my heart or another sensitive place I don`t want to rock their world.

Because what they believe is a solemn thing, they trust in God.

I cannot trust God anymore: as a six-year-old I prayed to God and asked him to solve the famine in Africa and feed the children there.

It did not help, the famine is still there, the food is running short and the population is still growing exceedingly.

But I find it a precious thing, being religious, and it tears me apart I have to tell people close to me their believe is not sufficient.

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I have just watched “Lady in the Water”. My mind wanders, touching all those thoughts I have once passed and considering new insights. The interconnectedness fascinates; is it not only our physical dependence but also a spiritual one? All stories have limitations, all explanations lack a crucial argument to elucidate the one question man wants to answer since we have grown intellect: where does everything start? But is there a beginning? What if all is a cirkel? Without any start or finish?

My mind wanders and is worrying about money. It is a dreadful thing to do, having concerns about money but as they say our climate is warming up, summer is pretty cold and robbing me from my opportunity to work and earn money. But, moreover, worrying about the environment is much more relevant, although that brings me to having to make another choice: what will I do after I obtained my BSc? It all passed (through) me in the blink of an eye, and somehow I would like someone to give me a blink of an eye, just to ensure me I am not the only one considering, pondering and worrying.

Now I still have to finish my story, and I am pretty sure I will name it “Puzzle Pieces”. Mysterious title, I hope people will get attracted to it and appreciate the little blinks of an eye I give to the system we humans created, the system we live in, we live to, we live by…

It is all rules on paper, oral agreements, unwritten laws: easily swept away by the laws of nature. But no matter how weak these rules, agreements and laws may seem to an approaching hurricane, they decide how we live our lifes, how we influence the life of others: the interconnectedness. Because we humans are also a product of the evolution and connected to nature. So it is no use trying to cut our bond with nature and claim the earth and the universe for ourselves. We come up with new paper rules, newly decisive utterances and common ethics, but the only thing we should care about is how much we can take without being greedy and how much we can give without becoming empty.

“Puzzle Pieces” has the potential to change something. I hope people see how useless our actions are as long as we humans do not realize we fool ourselves by fighting wars on battlefields, hating each other for skin colour or thinking “our” way is the best way. Most people are never satisfied: they always want more power, money, land, clothes, jewelry… In stead of bothering ourselves with such things, I think it is good to leave something good of yourself behind, for life is over within the blink of an eye. Like an act of convincing people that war, hate and dirty politics will not make things better “in the end”; like an act of reminding everyone of being kind to each other; or cowardly writing critics on this persistent system. But it is a start.

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Life consists of several loops. Although time loops are not likely to exist, the loops I’m talking about resemble loops of starting in some place or circumstance, going some place else, returning to the starting point after some time has passed an noticing little or nothing has changed. Perhaps, it is worse when you return and find your starting point totally altered; this thought will be explored another time.

In every loop there exists a moment of silence, a moment in which time does not seem to move. Like on a holiday. Like vacation in general. The ultimate reward for one year of passing time filled with activies, occurences, stress, obligations, tests, homework, and looking forward to the sea of spare time waiting at the end of the loop.

This starting point does not have to be a physical place, it can also be a kind of atmosphere. The days loaded with happy expectations, the days clouded by approaching unwanted situations, the days filled with stressful studying. The patterns of daily life reflected in the several loops.

Sometimes the starting point is a physical place. It could be place you don’t visit frequently or regularly, but visiting or driving by that place recalls memories by seeing, smelling or experiencing familiair buildings, odeurs and casualties as-usual.

Somehow the loops always contain moments of relieve, guilt and emptiness. Relieve when a busy period ends or a hated job is quit; guilt when grades turn out lower than expected due to loack of studying or a particular move is considered bad; emptiness when suddenly is realised the happy expectation has no content – just a transparant framwork – or a future is unconsciously feared.

The break in the loop is rarely ever one-sided; the atmosphere is mixed-up, because it is in those moments of vaccuumed time that both the urge to act according to long ago made promises of doing what couldn’t be done back then and realising the (this particular) holiday is outside general society, meaning two twings. 1) It is the opportunity to go wild and crazy, and 2) it depends on the traveling group (in this particular situation) whether going wild and crazy is possible. Because few people enjoy themselves in a wild an crazy way without good company. In short, an empty moment prevails, a kind of atmoshphere i’ve gone through before.

A moment of time vacuum also means no acces to everything that could be needed to achieve this long ago made promises. I have a list of things to do and somehow it grows, because of the pressure during a loop and the timeless moments in-between. The returning of this emptiness is also looped, for the one year of activities, homework and looking forward to is reduced to one segment, while the one or two weeks of holiday become the other segment: unevenly distributed.

Despite everything, the act of looking back to holidays with written diaries and taken photographs is necessary to complete the one-year loop. And somehow, this looking back recalls feelings of joy and pleasure, new jokes for conversations and confirms the newly gathered life experience. Loop closed.

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It dit not happen suddenly. I could see it coming for months. I longed for it so badly; I could feel my heart become weak just by thinking of going there, just by thinking of being free of obligations. And now the time is nearly there, but in stead of happiness there is more of emptiness. An odd, aching emptiness that slowly fills with understanding. The process of learning should never stop for me, though I very much enjoy doing nothing and just thinking how I could make the world a little bit better.

It will be hard work to aim for a little bit of change in the right direction and it will even be harder work to accomplish any change. Any change at all. If I need to take a breath at the end of a year of learning and understanding, I wonder how much breath the low-skilled and low-educated labourers need to take at the end of a year of working their asses off. Where is this change going to take place? Who will suffer and who will profit? I don’t know the correct answer, but I have bad expectations.

This so-called change we need to save our planet. To save our environment, our fossil fuels, our climate, the ecosystem(s), the plants, the animals, the micro-organisms, the unique relations between the air, the soil, the water and life. It is all ours, but not ours only. We share our planet with the plants, the animals, the micro-organisms, and all those species still live next to us, besides us, on us. Even in us. And we need them to survive: we need them for food, for medication, for our metabolism; and they need us. And everything needs everything to sustain the bonds of life. Why don’t people recognize it is a netwerk, and once we humans remove the massive pillars, the system will collapse?

This change, it is not going to happen. It will come too late, too inefficiently, or not at all. Leaving nothing more than to enjoy the days that are left. Right?

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It has been a year of first times: first time to England (Six weeks of rain is summer vacation in Fort William) and first time on stage. Not all aspects are equally important, but the past year has been awesome and terrible at the same time. To understand, my 2009 posts tell the whole story. However, this post is the last post of this year. 2010 is coming, some teenage assholes are lighting fireworks outside and I realise I haven´t much to think about. I could only thank my friends and family for still being my friends and family and prepare myself for the 3th term. I´m halfway my bachelor Liberal Arts & Sciences, Music Art School will end in two months and I haven’t decided yet what to do next. I do know I will stick to writing and composing music, and, coincidentally, I came up with the idea to take a gap year after my bachelor and visit Costa Rica, in order to learn Spanish and see a bit more of the world than just chilly Holland. And all of you that have been reading my blog and giving nice comments; I won’t ever stop posting 🙂

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Sometimes you feel you need to change the world. The days pass by and all you see is just not quite right. There are people who say they love you, but somehow they seem to love other people as well. You are content with your best friend(s), but somehow you never say them ‘I love you’. Why is that? Do we use the word ‘love’ only for our mothers, fathers, brothers, sisters and our lovers? But don’t you need to get to know the other one before you can speak of love? When does friendship turn into love? And how long does a friendship has to exist before it is possible to become a lover’s relation? But where to place love at first sight? And the unexpected cloud of butterflies rouming around in your system when you spot a cute guy or hot chick? Aren’t friends the ones you talk with about these crushes?

It may seem clear to you, but since I was a little girl I’ve always been wondering how people connect their souls within a relationship. I liked the fairytales of Cinderella and Snow White, the story of Sissy and those romcom’s in which girls and women live happily ever after with their prince. When I grew older parents of my friends got divorced. I heard and read about fourteen year old girls who were given away as brides. I found out about indoor violence, child abuse, porn, cheating, feuds, murder and impossible love. And I became afraid I may never find the boy of my dreams.

I always wished for someone nice, caring, funny, intelligent, practical, neat, handsome, understanding, none-religious, none-smoking etc, prefarably with blue eyes and brown hair. ‘Loving’ was never one of my conditions. I wonder why. Today I read in the newspaper, women appreciate it when their boyfriend or husband from time to time tells them ‘I love you’. Somehow I always have to think of those loverboys and abusive men who tell their victim ‘I love you’ in order to chain them to him. To me, it feels like a fake thing, an unnecessary utterance. I don’t have to hear from a guy that he loves me, he can show me he does. And I will understand. Perhaps I’m just not a common western girl, as Asian men look down on western women because we (or they) seem to abuse the word ‘love’.

Nearly every day I feel I need to change the world. I want to climb on a stage and call out: ‘Where are you?! I am here, waiting. I like music and writing stories and poetry. I am becoming an environmental scientist. I am not difficult at all as long as you…’ I have expectations. Uncounciously, I expect to find the boy of my dreams. I rather think I will find a boy, or no boy at al. He could only surpass my expectations by being beyond expectations. It is just sad how many people are disappointed in their love life, how crude and real reality is, and how little it looks like the fairytales I enjoyed so much when I was a little girl.

It is no use feeling lonely and depressed, so after you spent some time on your own (single) you begin to realise you hold on to every little bit of hope. And, unfortunately, these sparks of hope turn out to be not quite right for you. It feels like a huge job that has to be done, and you don’t know where to start. Where to find the boy of your dreams. There is only one thing Idefenitely learned in all these years, a thing I apply to nearly everything I have to wait for: patience. You see, it is also no use accompanied and depressed.

Someday I will change the world. I will find solutions to sociological and environmental problems, I will discuss the biggest failures of mankind and please everyone with the finest, deepest, most dramatic, happy and beautifully composed music and stories. Because, someday, the world will change for me.

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