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Posts Tagged ‘Life & Personal’

Me struggling with easy Sonata in G dur by Beethoven: ‘Dolce‘, my piano teacher said, ‘think of velvet’. I know that, after all those years of slightly learning Italian music words. It was just, my fingers did not do what my head told them to do. Stupid organ-playing-past.

Although dolce made me think of so much more soft, playful, kinda Italian summer holidays, the velvet immediately refers to a bit rough, warm and red as blood. O, could I tell you dolce your touching was. And how dolce my heart beat, for somehow my heart is the only thing in me that cannot lie. All this music feels so pleasant, and I kinda subducted while facing your dolce smile.

And soon you run out of dolce-expressions. But I don’t care. From time to time I have to make up my mind and today I realised even more all bad decisions are good ones, as long you don’t regret them. Up to now I don’t regret I said bye-bye to several dolce times. Because somehow I will find myself a substitute, a replacement, and soon or late I won’t even remember all the hurting I’ve accepted and caused…

Dolce you are, love. Unpredictable, reckless, just around the corner, in my dreams and between day and night. Perhaps not invented for me in particular, but as soon as dolce-like honey softens the heart, I just know you have set eyes on me.

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Irrational fears. Fooling yourself. Using magic to comfort the hurricane rushing through your veins. Constantly trying to reach a state of solemness, in which the real world is far away, a nightmare, and the present is silent: so calm and peaceful you are willing to forget everything you know, all the responsibilities you bear, all the weary days that lay ahead. It scares you, just the thought of it: it scares the hell out of you and you’re still wondering why. You think you could dissappear, if you just tried hard enough to erase yourself.

Sometimes I wish I were invisible, and had my own set of bodyguards to keep away all those irrational fears haunting me. Hunting me. No magic could save me, no gentle words, no excuses, no shams: it is just me facing the world. And stubborn as I am, I want to find my own way and do it my own way, otherwise I feel offended, held back, disregarded… All those critics everyday is way different than the feedback I am used to receive, and want to receive, therefore improving myself. It ain’t no deal. No compromis. Nothing.

Just one day everything will be solved. I am on the highest summit, looking down on everything that went wrong, I did wrong, I wanted to excuse for but I shouldn’t do. I know I forget easily. The happy things. Those bad things stay forever, and as I am growing older, it seems I lived on mistakes. I have to get used to it, I know. No one is perfect. But afterwards, standing on top of the mountain, there is always so much I want to say and want to do, but it will do no good. Stuck. I can’t do it again. I don’t want to do it again: I will just have to live with the fact I made it somehow.

The illusionist in fairyland. Sounds like a great job to me. Wiping away sadness, chasing away depression, enjoying the sun on my face and roaming all day long in an ever-beautiful world. Welcome to my world. Let me feel you the enchanting breeze, let me make you smile, let me make you forget all your misery…  Childish. Naive. Irrational. It is a temporary cure, and the farther you go into that serene world of yours, the harder it becomes to return to the real world.

Living with or living without the opportunity to escape the society for a while, you can’t stay there forever anyway. So then, will it make a difference, any difference at all?

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Sometimes in life a distant call is not enough, neither is a forced way of pretending, when acting cool has given place to an uncomfortable play. Going on a holiday clears the mind and reduces the drama to an easy solution: stop the performance. And once you are not bound by obligations, not facing hours in which you try to cheer yourself up, reluctantly, the world seems a wonderful place that needs to be discovered. For now I will assume it a unique thing, a play becoming a failed rehearsal, for a pretty strong feeling tells me the world has more to offer, and perhaps someday it fits me like a silk dress.

Discovering the world requires a couple of things. First, you need to like travelling, and more important, you have to gain experience by visiting different places, alone or accompanied, with friends, family or by yourself. Study weather, cloud patterns, wind direction, how to read maps, but also local habits. This brings me to the second point: the art of language. Independently of the part of the world you visit, English, Spanish and German are well understood. Add Russian and Chinese and you are probably ready to visit 90% of the globe (if you would like to communicate, otherwise you will only need English…). Third, last but not least: education. Once you intend to discover the world, the whole world and nothing less, you will need a reason to keep on discovering, despite you are not on a holiday. Therefore, there are two words you need to remember: ‘research’ and ‘conference’. Except for people who are really good with music, painting, writing, etc, you have to lead yourself to the top of your expertise. I prefer environmental and/or anthropological sciences, but from my point of view a nanny or nurse could travel the world too, considering point one (studying local habits) and point two (the art of language).

Curious about everything, longing for the unknown to become familiar, drinking, adopting and adapting new culture, seeing landscapes that do not match anything seen before… It all has a start, a reference point from which the feeling grows, develops, become more specific. Eventually one’s knowledge and wisdom are sufficient enough to cross the line: one just knows what to do with his or her life and goes for it. This ending of the process of development does not come for everyone on the same time and later in life new reference points will pass by.

Today, August 19th 2009, my own journey around the world, started somewhere in childhood with an unbreakable interest in nature and “indigenous” cultures, has made a huge progress. Not only did I gain experience in travelling and the art of language, I also defined more accurately how to discover the world. And today, although I still have to start with the major part of “what to do with my life”, it fits me.

As usual with places you go to frequently, or stay at for a long time, once you return it feels like you have never left, and all memories of other places become flat remnants of dreams rather than vivid images… Photographs recall a part of that joyeux feeling, but your own mind is willing to forget. On the other hand, returning to a place you’ve only stayed at shortly, can release an unexpected flash of happiness.

Since discovering the world preferably occurs in a safe way, I travelled all the way up to the place that keeps calling me and, as a student, is easy to reach as I do not have to pay for public transport *chuckling*. I visited a few places I had been with my family in the past years, but this time all by myself. Escaping my regular life for just one day, hopefully bringing back vivid images of pleasant holidays. Besides the fact I promised myself to do this a long time ago, it also suits to deny two things in life I would like to shift out, but I cannot get rid of at the moment. Both things are necessary, obliged and being there in the near future as solid parts of my life. I cannot move them aside.

Like with many things I do not want to happen, or happen again, I try to think positively, in search of advantages, even making comparisons with my own or other people’s stories. Playing myself safe, or more precisely; comforting my worrying mind: you need the money, you won’t fail again, it is easy work to do, there is nothing wrong with doing things wrong, or over and over again, asking questions, feeling like an ant without any sense of instinct, lost between rules and restrictions…

The first point of how to discover the world contains an item I can impossibly practise today: studying c loud patterns. It is one, play, blue sky above me. One could strive for a life without clouds, but, oh, the shadows are a welcome place to hide from the hot sun. Like always this day did not become as spectacular as  I thought, though French people asking me in English whether I knew where to find the “Mississippiboot” (big road, then left) added an extra boost to “travelling by myself”.

Going back home… How sad I felt on the way back from Great-Britain, knowing that all the vivid images would reduce to nothing more than photographs. The only reason I did not feel so much reluctance to return home from Rome, was that I longed for a place where I did not have to keep a very close eye on my possessions, and did not have to worry where my next meal would come from…

Anyway, I remember well last year, the start of my first year at the university. Now is the time of freshman going on camps, meeting people from all over the country, drinking (too much) beer, doing crazy games, laughing all night long. I am not a freshman anymore, and it feels good, to feel more experiences, advanced, to have nice friends and to know I have made a good decision. Somehow I have to get through those two things I do not want to face, but hey, countless awesome things lie ahead too. Not facing what I do not like will crate a lack of experience, for this so badly needed experience will also be a way to enhance my knowledge and wisdom.

The end of the day approaches. Transparent, tiny white cloudy stripes begin to cover the blue sky above and the horizon tends to a reddish grey. In an odd way, different than expected, being there in the south did change something. You have just read the start of it.

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Open minded I left home

crossed the sea to find

myself not aware of anything

Happy and excited I

went smiling at adventure and

did enjoy my freedom’s flight

My artistic mind did

dazzle every minute but

it followed a different trail

And what once seemed so clear to me

became my daily doubt

and feeling insecure

I found myself troubled by

the thoughts haunting me by day

and sweet dreams visiting at night

‘Cause never in my life I felt

so lost and so confused

asking myself every day again

Why my seemingly distinct life

lost track and became as difficult as

the life my little darlings face

And all those other people who

struggle with the spell of love

not knowing how to say

Who they fancy, how they feel

why distances here on earth

forces one to make a choice

All together life goes on

and although it has been said

freaks adore confusion I

Prefer some unexpected

light upon my wrecked

and troubled certainty

Poem by ChristinaBay

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Dwalend in mijn gedachten

tot in het diepste van mijn geest

demonen, zij die vreesden, lachten

allemaal zo dood, geweest

Hitte schroeit zich aan mijn huid

mijn hoofd barst, mijn ogen branden

hun stemmen wreed, gemeen zo luid

het bloed, rood, kleeft aan mijn handen

Zwarte muilen vol van duister

openen zich in mijn hart

waar ik mijzelf in boeien kluister

nooit meer huilen, nooit meer smart

Jammerkreten in de lucht

ik hoor ze niet, ik wil ze niet

alleen ik, alleen gevlucht

voor vuur dat niemand anders ziet

Mijn armen om mijzelf geslagen

dolend in verloren tijd

kwaadlustigen, zij die belagen

vergeten in mijn eenzaamheid

Steken van pijn diep van binnen

slechts een lichaam, zielloos, koud

ken ze niet, wil van ze winnen

geef niet op, geen mens die van me houdt

Rillend als ze mij omgeven

doe geen kwaad, geen verweer

gevangen, wil jullie niet vergeven

voel, de leegte doet zo zeer

Geketend door mijn eigen wil

stervenskreten naast mijn oor

vandaag is zelfs de wereld stil

zolang ik de stemmen maar niet hoor

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Haar lieve lach van bronzen klokjes

wordt roetzwart als hij kijkt

De hemel in haar fraaie blik

kleurt naar hel als hij nadert

Haar zachte stem zwijgt als trash

wanneer zijn hand haar onschuld doodt

Ze vraagt om jeugd

naar leugens

om haar levenskamer te behangen

En gaandeweg sluit ze alle kleur op

tussen de muren van haar ziel

Een schreeuw weergalmt

De stemmen in mijn hoofd

zeggen dat ze binnenkort verhuizen zal

naar het land van zoete bloemen

Want haar wil verlicht nog steeds het pad naar

huis

waar zijn schaduw niet bestaat.

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