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Posts Tagged ‘lie’

Promises I should not have made

Staying true to my path

Eliminate the poison

Closing down for them

Broken promises now

Witnessed the un-smooth

Lies, bribery, blinking, smiles

Just masks and empty words

I witnessed

Calmness like waving rows of rye

Disappeared! Ruined! Torn!

Playing devil while praying, lust

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It was like the last time, in multiple ways. The positive way was the satisfaction of the call, as the place keeps calling me, over and over again. It probably is the southern location, the landscape, the slightly different tongue of the locals, the association with the first little exotic holiday, the exposed yellow white rock, the Roman and Baroque building style… Today the sky is blue and the sun is shining. Some sense of freedom emerges, as if the place is a place where I could belong. But why? I ascribe the answer to the call, because nothing ever kept me calling and holding my attention for this long.

The negative way was the repetition of another night of bad music, flawed laughing and uncomprehensive people. The pop love seemed all around, kicking me, with grinning teeth, and saying I am not able to embrace the light-hearted conversations, the acting crazy on behalf of the collective fun and the pretended lack of tiredness. One lumination was the dress code, and the fact this dress code wasn’t restricted to any club in particular, but seemed part of the streetview. Perhaps it was the old-known company – or me – that prevented eyes from meeting. Though as eyes-meeting during this kind of event is perhaps not the most cherished scenario, as the costumes mask the persons underneath them.

Inside I laughed when they said it was perhaps time to go home, because we had been downtown with all the dressed-up people and empty music for over nine hours. The little quarrel during dinner was useless now, but it shed some light upon the strength of character, or actually, the lack of it. It is so easy to claim rights on fun and forget about duty. So, it seems I miss a lot in people around, however they miss things in me too, no doubt.

Sometimes my thoughts hover over destruction of everything, to kill this striking stupidity I see all around. Loads of garbage scattered around in streets and on the squares – all plastics and paper – tons of meat to fill stomaches already filled with alcohol. Sometimes I thought of just leaving everything behind, cut and dye my hair, change clothes, move to the end of the world. Destruction of everything is doomed impossible, the everything spreads like a fungi across the globe, occupying more and more nature, people growing away from their roots, leaving behind people like me, who see, want to judge, but are judged upon as the ones guilty of disturbing the free life that should be filled with pleasure and nothing else, while the comments of my kind could also be envisaged as the answers to several important questions: how to treat Earth, how to treat each other, how to live right, how to change the current situation into a better one?

Honestly, nobody will listen, because these answers expose the responsibilities of the human race and diminish its rights to nothing more than the right to live, and the responsibility to die when time comes. Moving away and leaving everything behind could be my great escape, but will I be able to restrict myself from telling the truth to everyone? Because it is truth I want to tell and not some adjusted lie.

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Sweet giggling I´m feeding you

eye lashes jumping up and down

try, drink, taste and feel

don´t feel, I say, don´t try

you cannot buy, you’re broke

are you?

Showing me all your money

can’t call you honey, I don’t need to

use my fake smile to inhale

live with me in bubblegum balloons

I’ll build you everything

out of lies

Your expectations out of reach

conversations with death row destination

such a pity, but you manage to inhale

a willing girl`s scent, you smoke

doubting behaviour like a

cigarette

Let me inject you some awareness

and accidentally clash your cherished dreams

stop swallowing me like pleasure pills

you push ´n force; you listen now

I can´t be your ecstasy

nor your heroine

Tear drops I can´t shed for you

you said I shouldn´t fear the needle, hey

don´t pretend to be my savior

you’ll break, you silly drug addict

dwelling at the artistic scene

don´t

Hey, do I need to confess?

write you an apology? sorry, can’t cure you

okay, regrets, pointing where?

it is no use, I will just sigh

you talking love, I close my eyes

just go

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Lately, the world seems to turn upside down. People I thought of very reasonable, are becoming selfisch, rude and way different than when I first met them. And other people, I never hung out with, I’m becoming friends with.

I would like to say I do not hate any person in my environment, and I don´t want to. But sometimes you just hate certain people. Not because they called you names, not because they beat the shit out of you, not because they dumped you, cheated on  you, have sex more often than you do, not because they have already met their soul mate, they seem happy or because they always tell stories of their splendid life and all you can do is listen in awe… No, you hate them because they make you face your weakness. They don´t make you hate them on purpose (at least, not on purpose); instead, they act like rebels, do everything opposite from what you say and are least likely to do listen to anything you say to them. Their voices are so loud, their persistence is unbreakable. Or they interfere with your life, they think they know what´s best for you, they´re pressing on your limits (sometimes unaware) and eventually show you that you can’t say no. You could tear them in 1000 pieces and don’t feel any regrets. It’s just to make them stop.

These are hard times, socially. Hormones rushing through veins, smiles melting frozen hearts, eyes meeting as if they´ve met before. And in order to hold on to this vibe, we need to dive. Dive into the unknown country.

But what is unknown country? A place we all don’t know quite well, and won’t understand either: the heart. L.A. Rebhun described in her wonderful etnographic study of North-East Brazil the contrast between how people think about love and how people act in the name of love. It is a story of cultural values, public and personal honour, the role of men and women, and money.

Here in the West it is not different at all. We touch each other’s souls, we let them go, we talk about our deepest feelings but never show the way we feel. We pretend to know, but feel insecure; we lie to convince, but within a relationship a lie is the last thing you need. And why can’t be we honest and truthfully for ever? Why do we feel the need to pimp our reputation? Because of the unknown country we reign. It’s like a promised land: we do not know what to expect, but, however, expectations we have.

Today I learned how to dive. I think. And you know what: the moment you lose sight of your feet tight to the ground, and the world flashed around you like a sped-up movie, the hate is gone. You don’t feel weak anymore. At least, I didn’t. I felt pretty strong, and happy too. But that probably due to another reason, because I also learned how to find the way back to the place where all romances start: my own heart 🙂

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