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Posts Tagged ‘hate’

I have friends who admitted that confessing you’re gay is a thing you better don’t do. The ‘otherwise’ part I missed, but as it concerned friends from a very christian village near my hometown, I could only guess it had something to do with ‘not-done’.

For a very long time I wondered why some people are gay and why other are not. I already figured out that gay people are not well accepted in most cultures, because 1) men are supposed to sleep with women and produce offspring 2) gay men are not exactly masculine and 3) people find it repulsive only to think of two men kissing and/or having sex.

Let me start with the third point. Why would you find it repulsive that two other people than yourself have a good time together? You are not forced to look, you are not even forced to think about it. It is only your upbringing that somehow emphasized that men are attracted to women and vice versa.

Then the second point. No, gay men are not masculine, but they can be strong and they look like men. They only, somehow, do not act like a straight man. Gay men usually fulfill the more (very girly) feminine occupations, related to styling, fashion and design… Scientific research concluded that brains of gay men are more suited for working with art, design and other area`s that require creativity and eye for details. Though lots of gay men have an office job or a job in engineering.

The first point, and especially the part about producing offspring, is for me, an environmentalist, the most important one. In nearly all cultures gay people are not accepted for a whole range of reasons, that are based upon prejudices and opinion-based cultural values. I think the existence of gay people serves a very noble goal: it is a natural solution to overpopulation. Imagine that around 5-10% of a population does not breed because it does not feel attracted to individuals of the opposite sex. This would seriously reduce the amount of children and will prevent that the human population will expand excessively.

So, what I wanted to say was that we (all people on this globe) should not hate gay people just because they do not act masculine, or are more sensitive than straight guys, or scream like a girl in stead of roaring like a tough guy. Gay people are very nice to talk to – especially when you’re a girl (like me) and finally find a guy who understands you! – they will not hit on man`s wife, they will not fancy a girl when she is not interested, they do not contribute to overpopulation.

Actually, you could say gay people are totally harmless and do not deserve the hatred that they receive. Of course, there are criminal gay people, but there are also straight criminal people. And I have very rarely heard of gay people beating up straight people (which is also a crime, of course).

In short, confessing you’re gay should not be a torture. In stead, we should welcome gay people who step out of their closet.

NOTE: Click here for a short article about what the Bible says about gay marriage/same sex marriage that inspired me to write this post. I do not contradict the article, because I also do not see why people who can’t have childeren should raise children, but I want to add that what the Bible says is not doubtless true (as the Bible has been written by humans, and before these stories and ‘wisdoms’ have been written down, a lot of oral story telling has probably ruined the original story line (which does not exclude there is some true in Biblical stories) and people of a few centuries ago did not know as much about nature and biological process as we do now) and christians (and also muslims, jews, hindu’s etc.) should stop hating their fellow men because the authors of religious books judged in stead of looked at facts.

NOTE II: Click here for an article by Soulforce, an organization resisting political and religious oppression of gay/lesbian in a relentless, non violent way. Especially pay attention to the interpretation of Biblical texts that provide ways to be none-straight and still be a good, religious person. But above all, consider this:

Most people who are certain they know what the Bible says about homosexuality don’t know where the verses that reference same-sex behavior can be found. They haven’t read them, let alone studied them carefully. They don’t know the original meaning of the words in Hebrew or Greek. And they haven’t tried to understand the historical context in which those words were written.

Very interesting article, a real recommendation!

NOTE III: ‘People who can’t have children should not raise children’ I’ll bring about in a future post about in vitro fertilization (IVF).

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Reality sometimes plays havoc with my understanding. Although it has been said freaks adore confusion, I’d prefer some unexpected light upon my wrecked and troubled certainty. It feels as if my intellect is not sufficient to comprehend the complicated interactions between people. I used to accuse my poor emotional quotient of this delusional image flashing upon my inner eye, but lately I became convinced reality is far from a rational world. Writing down these doubts hopefully offers some clearing. Therefore, this is a true story. It is also a classic story. Just a random group of male and female friends in which reality emerges close by, almost intrusive, and resembles the level of a soap.

One of my best friends in the group, Katy, recently broke up with her boyfriend. This guy was one of the five guys in the random group, but he also belonged to another group of just male friends. For now I will call him Sam. After they split up, my friend was very down and could not stop crying and worrying while she was convinced she had made a right decision. I supported that. But I noticed something else, a thing that made my stomach ache. One of the guys from the group, the sharp-witted and handsome William, showed above average interest in my now single friend, who is really pretty with her dark red curls and spouted lips. Next to her, I am nearing the ugly, skinny know-it-all who struggles to fit in.

It turned out, like seven months ago, I had fallen in love with William. But I did not want him, and he seemed far from interested in me. It made things incredibly complicated, as we often met as a group and we had to do stuff friends do, but somehow my shyness and confusing feelings made me screw up everything I said or did to him. I acted like a complete idiot, behaving not quite like myself. And it was one night in the very near past I became afraid William had fallen in love with Katy, and Katy would eventually fall for him, as they already were having these little jokes between them – of which she told me enthusiastically.

Of course I wanted to have a boyfriend, but not just anyone. William just caused some positive shivering in my tummy, but I knew very well I created a mind-based fantasy which was far from the beer-drinking, soccer-watching, always-bantering guy he was. Though I had seen he was also caring and very kind, the thing that annoyed me most was his lack of seriousness and the fact our views of life were contrary like day and night. I knew for sure it would not work out.

Another friend of mine, Antoinette, was dating John, who had been a friend of William long before we all met each other. Antoinette was the spontaneous blonde who was very sensitive to boy’s attention and that is why – she told me! – she is having a relationship with John though she is not in love. I could never do that, but I understood why she could. It was visible for anyone who looked beyond the platonic interaction inside the group. Anyone would notice there are not much sparks between them, which is sad because John is extremely kind and a good folk to laugh with (or about), though I cannot blame Antoinette for not falling in love with him. Neither did I, while he pays much more attention to me than William does, though I somehow granted him my hidden butterflies…

One and a half year ago I was having the same ‘problem’ as Antoinette. A guy had fallen for me, he was nice and caring, but that was all. There was no excitement, no lightning bolts striking through my body as we kissed, no heavy lump for a heart when I thought of him. The sparks just lacked. We dated only for four months or so, never got to the real stuff because he was shy and not particularly charming, which did not stimulate me to take some steps on my own. Somehow he got this idea in his mind we were very going along very well, even wanting me to introduce to his family. It was a hell of a job to break up with him. I told him the news in personal after I got back from a holiday with my parents and four of my female friends. It went easily, and I coddled the fake hope I could heave a sigh of relief that I hurt someone but it was okay now.

It turned out it was not. He began stalking me with e-mails I answered rather snappy – which is an understatement – but all I wanted was him to leave me alone. I dumped him, yes, but what kind of guy does not see his girlfriend is not feeling happy in the relationship anymore?! Must be the wrong guy then, or do girls pretend too much everything is fine because we do not like hurting people in the first place? In the end, my ex and I argued in e-mails, throwing about nasty language, and ignored each other when we accidentally passed by at school. Fortunately, he did not do the same subjects as I did.

I always remind myself my ex was the in-between of two crushes. Before dating my ex-boyfriend I was in love with another guy, Ray. He was a colleague (like my ex) with cute curly hair and bright blue eyes, which is exactly my type of guy and, apart from the dark blue eyes, my ex did not have any characteristics of the type I prefer. But like with William, the world views of Ray and me were like day and night, and I suspected this would not work out anyhow. He was, moreover, not interested in me as far as I could tell, which made it a lot easier to get over it.

During the holiday with my parents, I met this other boy, Julio, who had the most beautiful blue eyes in the world and was cute – nearly cuddly – in all he did. Of course, I started to doubt my relationship of those days and realised that if I was able to fall for another guy than the one I was dating, there was somewhere something very wrong. It justified breaking-up a little more: it was not just because I did not like my ex so much, but there was someone else, which I always thought of as a lame excuse to end a relationship, but now I had experienced this myself I found it very reasonable. It was impossible to continue with the one person if your mind and heart were with the other person. I never told my ex, just stated I missed the sparks.

In the end, I am still awaiting a guy who loves me and I love him back and his kiss which will cause a warm jolting experience in my body. So far, I never dated or kissed guys I was in love with, which I regret very much. All the experience hardened my heart, I had hoped so, but this reality still plays havoc with my understanding, no matter how much I keep telling I do not want to get involved in all this pop love and switching of lovers. Perhaps I am not the one with poor emotional quotient. My head and heart are bickering like two bitches, controlling one another, illicitly vile. Yeah, the thing I fear most is Katy and William will form a couple, eventually. This would, of course, not trouble me so much if I get over it.

Last week I read books, since a very long time. In plain language the deep love I can imagine was revealed to me. It is a weird thing, me longing for this deep love but somehow never have experienced it in real life. But I know it is just the collision of falling in love and being loved back. It cannot be too hard to fall for a guy who has also fallen for me, huh? So I can escape this envying of people heading for or having relationships.

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All the way up to the place that keeps calling me. I can still hear the calls, distantly. But I cannot force my body to move and to obey the call. The canyon is too big. The bridge is too small. My heart is too severely damaged. If I could just go up there. And look down on everything that went wrong. To prevent myself from sinking into another sludge basin. ‘Cause who will drag me out? No one. I need protection. Or does everyone need protection against me?

The calls are everywhere and everyday. I want to obey, I promised, but sometimes I am tired and I just cannot concentrate. The flow of words is pushing and wants to spread it wings. So want I. Those who have wings fly their dreams. I have grown wings, beautiful white feathered angel wings. But I still cannot fly. They ruin my wings by robbing me from my innocence. They burn them by forcing me back into the past I want to forget. They rip my wings by expecting me to be anything I do not want to be. Bye bye wings.

Sweet calls. Magnificent dreams. Ugly occurrences. Feeling sorry, nearly guilty, but I have to keep telling myself I am not the one to blame. Taking responsibility is a grown-ups issue. I am only listening to what my heart tells me. Right now it is quite silent. A heavy, slowly beating lump within my chest. Do not exaggerate. Remain calm and imagine soothing rays of sunlight.

If I could just go up there and forget. Start all over again. Turn the feeding the lack of experience into a lack of experience with sweet, profound longing. If I could empty my head. And fix my heart. Right now it is paralysed and I refuse to wake it up before the whispering pain has gone. For it is only very seldom a sparkle of hope touches my soul and revives the sweet urge to surrender to the call of life.

Just to write. To get rid of bad thoughts, I guess. But writing makes me feel relieved. No matter what I write about. Who am I kidding when I tell you I had a rough night on December 12th 2006, I woke up with someone next to me I could not remember on September 17th 2007, I met and lost the love of my life in spring 2001 and my first kiss was so bad I immediately stopped seeing the guy (or girl, I can’t remember…)? Would you believe me if I told you I enjoy looking into your blue-green eyes, and laying my head down on your shoulder, and crying while I tell you all those things I have never told someone before? Will you swallow me if you’re asked to do so? And will you stop hating me if I asked you to do so?

Little smiles within my chest. I see the sun shine in your eyes and I hear the birds` whistles chase away your haunting screams. If I can get you out of my head, to make some room for sane thoughts… Is it too much? Because somewhere between all the looking-backs and miserable feelings, there is a girl with a friendly smile who likes to write just to write. And she refuses to write anymore words on the people who hurt her.

My wings feel heavy, but comfortable, they are partly healed, but capable of carrying me. I will obey the calls. And fly away with or without telling you idiot(s) which of the above is truth or false.

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Lately, the world seems to turn upside down. People I thought of very reasonable, are becoming selfisch, rude and way different than when I first met them. And other people, I never hung out with, I’m becoming friends with.

I would like to say I do not hate any person in my environment, and I don´t want to. But sometimes you just hate certain people. Not because they called you names, not because they beat the shit out of you, not because they dumped you, cheated on  you, have sex more often than you do, not because they have already met their soul mate, they seem happy or because they always tell stories of their splendid life and all you can do is listen in awe… No, you hate them because they make you face your weakness. They don´t make you hate them on purpose (at least, not on purpose); instead, they act like rebels, do everything opposite from what you say and are least likely to do listen to anything you say to them. Their voices are so loud, their persistence is unbreakable. Or they interfere with your life, they think they know what´s best for you, they´re pressing on your limits (sometimes unaware) and eventually show you that you can’t say no. You could tear them in 1000 pieces and don’t feel any regrets. It’s just to make them stop.

These are hard times, socially. Hormones rushing through veins, smiles melting frozen hearts, eyes meeting as if they´ve met before. And in order to hold on to this vibe, we need to dive. Dive into the unknown country.

But what is unknown country? A place we all don’t know quite well, and won’t understand either: the heart. L.A. Rebhun described in her wonderful etnographic study of North-East Brazil the contrast between how people think about love and how people act in the name of love. It is a story of cultural values, public and personal honour, the role of men and women, and money.

Here in the West it is not different at all. We touch each other’s souls, we let them go, we talk about our deepest feelings but never show the way we feel. We pretend to know, but feel insecure; we lie to convince, but within a relationship a lie is the last thing you need. And why can’t be we honest and truthfully for ever? Why do we feel the need to pimp our reputation? Because of the unknown country we reign. It’s like a promised land: we do not know what to expect, but, however, expectations we have.

Today I learned how to dive. I think. And you know what: the moment you lose sight of your feet tight to the ground, and the world flashed around you like a sped-up movie, the hate is gone. You don’t feel weak anymore. At least, I didn’t. I felt pretty strong, and happy too. But that probably due to another reason, because I also learned how to find the way back to the place where all romances start: my own heart 🙂

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Please, come in, you’re welcome, friend

Cup of tea? Take a seat. Hey,

how’ve you been? Have some cake

I’ll tell a joke, pretend you’re fine

At this stage of little sense

we sip our drinks, talking crap

Oh, did you cheat again, hèhè

let’s skip my dreadful tale at once

In the drawing room you watched

me smiling, blinking, so amazed

fancy treating, just for you

I’ll later bring it on, the bill

On the couche of chased-down dreams

kiss-kiss my lips boy, gentle, please…

Tea-time is up, now life will start

and all the pretty days are gone

In the land of fantasy

I swing around my magic tools

obeying him, I can’t resist

accepting lies, f-f*ck me quick

Down in hell near fairyland

my devil’s licensed to grow hate

and feed you twisted nightmares while

crums of cake still spur on your tongue

Oh damn good curse, sweet juvenile

ding-ding touching, Somethings’s up?

Yes, are you blind, am I too shy

to play the girl’s ‘n bf’s game?

In my world of childhood games

your joking was all pleasant though

I missed the sense and you seemed just fine

did you notice I was not?

In the world of make believe

I trusted you with fake-like truth

But you know what?! I kicked you out

’cause you ain’t got shit to pay my bill

Poem by ChristinaBay

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