Posts Tagged ‘experience’

Reality sometimes plays havoc with my understanding. Although it has been said freaks adore confusion, I’d prefer some unexpected light upon my wrecked and troubled certainty. It feels as if my intellect is not sufficient to comprehend the complicated interactions between people. I used to accuse my poor emotional quotient of this delusional image flashing upon my inner eye, but lately I became convinced reality is far from a rational world. Writing down these doubts hopefully offers some clearing. Therefore, this is a true story. It is also a classic story. Just a random group of male and female friends in which reality emerges close by, almost intrusive, and resembles the level of a soap.

One of my best friends in the group, Katy, recently broke up with her boyfriend. This guy was one of the five guys in the random group, but he also belonged to another group of just male friends. For now I will call him Sam. After they split up, my friend was very down and could not stop crying and worrying while she was convinced she had made a right decision. I supported that. But I noticed something else, a thing that made my stomach ache. One of the guys from the group, the sharp-witted and handsome William, showed above average interest in my now single friend, who is really pretty with her dark red curls and spouted lips. Next to her, I am nearing the ugly, skinny know-it-all who struggles to fit in.

It turned out, like seven months ago, I had fallen in love with William. But I did not want him, and he seemed far from interested in me. It made things incredibly complicated, as we often met as a group and we had to do stuff friends do, but somehow my shyness and confusing feelings made me screw up everything I said or did to him. I acted like a complete idiot, behaving not quite like myself. And it was one night in the very near past I became afraid William had fallen in love with Katy, and Katy would eventually fall for him, as they already were having these little jokes between them – of which she told me enthusiastically.

Of course I wanted to have a boyfriend, but not just anyone. William just caused some positive shivering in my tummy, but I knew very well I created a mind-based fantasy which was far from the beer-drinking, soccer-watching, always-bantering guy he was. Though I had seen he was also caring and very kind, the thing that annoyed me most was his lack of seriousness and the fact our views of life were contrary like day and night. I knew for sure it would not work out.

Another friend of mine, Antoinette, was dating John, who had been a friend of William long before we all met each other. Antoinette was the spontaneous blonde who was very sensitive to boy’s attention and that is why – she told me! – she is having a relationship with John though she is not in love. I could never do that, but I understood why she could. It was visible for anyone who looked beyond the platonic interaction inside the group. Anyone would notice there are not much sparks between them, which is sad because John is extremely kind and a good folk to laugh with (or about), though I cannot blame Antoinette for not falling in love with him. Neither did I, while he pays much more attention to me than William does, though I somehow granted him my hidden butterflies…

One and a half year ago I was having the same ‘problem’ as Antoinette. A guy had fallen for me, he was nice and caring, but that was all. There was no excitement, no lightning bolts striking through my body as we kissed, no heavy lump for a heart when I thought of him. The sparks just lacked. We dated only for four months or so, never got to the real stuff because he was shy and not particularly charming, which did not stimulate me to take some steps on my own. Somehow he got this idea in his mind we were very going along very well, even wanting me to introduce to his family. It was a hell of a job to break up with him. I told him the news in personal after I got back from a holiday with my parents and four of my female friends. It went easily, and I coddled the fake hope I could heave a sigh of relief that I hurt someone but it was okay now.

It turned out it was not. He began stalking me with e-mails I answered rather snappy – which is an understatement – but all I wanted was him to leave me alone. I dumped him, yes, but what kind of guy does not see his girlfriend is not feeling happy in the relationship anymore?! Must be the wrong guy then, or do girls pretend too much everything is fine because we do not like hurting people in the first place? In the end, my ex and I argued in e-mails, throwing about nasty language, and ignored each other when we accidentally passed by at school. Fortunately, he did not do the same subjects as I did.

I always remind myself my ex was the in-between of two crushes. Before dating my ex-boyfriend I was in love with another guy, Ray. He was a colleague (like my ex) with cute curly hair and bright blue eyes, which is exactly my type of guy and, apart from the dark blue eyes, my ex did not have any characteristics of the type I prefer. But like with William, the world views of Ray and me were like day and night, and I suspected this would not work out anyhow. He was, moreover, not interested in me as far as I could tell, which made it a lot easier to get over it.

During the holiday with my parents, I met this other boy, Julio, who had the most beautiful blue eyes in the world and was cute – nearly cuddly – in all he did. Of course, I started to doubt my relationship of those days and realised that if I was able to fall for another guy than the one I was dating, there was somewhere something very wrong. It justified breaking-up a little more: it was not just because I did not like my ex so much, but there was someone else, which I always thought of as a lame excuse to end a relationship, but now I had experienced this myself I found it very reasonable. It was impossible to continue with the one person if your mind and heart were with the other person. I never told my ex, just stated I missed the sparks.

In the end, I am still awaiting a guy who loves me and I love him back and his kiss which will cause a warm jolting experience in my body. So far, I never dated or kissed guys I was in love with, which I regret very much. All the experience hardened my heart, I had hoped so, but this reality still plays havoc with my understanding, no matter how much I keep telling I do not want to get involved in all this pop love and switching of lovers. Perhaps I am not the one with poor emotional quotient. My head and heart are bickering like two bitches, controlling one another, illicitly vile. Yeah, the thing I fear most is Katy and William will form a couple, eventually. This would, of course, not trouble me so much if I get over it.

Last week I read books, since a very long time. In plain language the deep love I can imagine was revealed to me. It is a weird thing, me longing for this deep love but somehow never have experienced it in real life. But I know it is just the collision of falling in love and being loved back. It cannot be too hard to fall for a guy who has also fallen for me, huh? So I can escape this envying of people heading for or having relationships.

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Rain. Down on me. Hail. Cold drops. Cutting through weakened resistance. It hurts. Inside. In my head, behind my eyes, in my stomach. I wish. A lot of things. If I just did not do that. I am angry with myself. Bad situation. Hell of a situation, as there’s no one to blame, no one to shout at, no one who will understand. I only get wrong advice: ‘You shouldn’t do that.’, ‘You should do this.’ and ‘You’re just being stupid.’ As if I did not know yet.

Outside the rain has stopped. Inside there is a hurricane, a blizzard, with sharp edges  releasing more pain arbitrarily. No one could help. And I don’t want help. I just want it to be fixed. Next Thursday is so far away, like a century from now. And all will start next week. Me getting one of the flu’s is not helping. It only gets worse. And worse.

The worst changes with time. By now, there are at least five things that make me faint. Seemingly normal things I can’t stand somehow. Just added another cause. Hate it. I don’t want to faint while seeing, feeling, imagining certain things. It’s stupid, weaked, crushed truth.

Rain will wash it all away. Rain is like time, but with time the fear grows. In my imagination. It has something to do with touching, I know it for sure. Hands and cheeks are fine, the rest is no-go-area. Shaking my head: future is unclear. Can you feel scared by thinking of the future? Because some things that cause me fainting will pass by someday, unavoidable.

And asking for peace is far from curing it.

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Irrational fears. Fooling yourself. Using magic to comfort the hurricane rushing through your veins. Constantly trying to reach a state of solemness, in which the real world is far away, a nightmare, and the present is silent: so calm and peaceful you are willing to forget everything you know, all the responsibilities you bear, all the weary days that lay ahead. It scares you, just the thought of it: it scares the hell out of you and you’re still wondering why. You think you could dissappear, if you just tried hard enough to erase yourself.

Sometimes I wish I were invisible, and had my own set of bodyguards to keep away all those irrational fears haunting me. Hunting me. No magic could save me, no gentle words, no excuses, no shams: it is just me facing the world. And stubborn as I am, I want to find my own way and do it my own way, otherwise I feel offended, held back, disregarded… All those critics everyday is way different than the feedback I am used to receive, and want to receive, therefore improving myself. It ain’t no deal. No compromis. Nothing.

Just one day everything will be solved. I am on the highest summit, looking down on everything that went wrong, I did wrong, I wanted to excuse for but I shouldn’t do. I know I forget easily. The happy things. Those bad things stay forever, and as I am growing older, it seems I lived on mistakes. I have to get used to it, I know. No one is perfect. But afterwards, standing on top of the mountain, there is always so much I want to say and want to do, but it will do no good. Stuck. I can’t do it again. I don’t want to do it again: I will just have to live with the fact I made it somehow.

The illusionist in fairyland. Sounds like a great job to me. Wiping away sadness, chasing away depression, enjoying the sun on my face and roaming all day long in an ever-beautiful world. Welcome to my world. Let me feel you the enchanting breeze, let me make you smile, let me make you forget all your misery…  Childish. Naive. Irrational. It is a temporary cure, and the farther you go into that serene world of yours, the harder it becomes to return to the real world.

Living with or living without the opportunity to escape the society for a while, you can’t stay there forever anyway. So then, will it make a difference, any difference at all?

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