Life consists of several loops. Although time loops are not likely to exist, the loops I’m talking about resemble loops of starting in some place or circumstance, going some place else, returning to the starting point after some time has passed an noticing little or nothing has changed. Perhaps, it is worse when you return and find your starting point totally altered; this thought will be explored another time.
In every loop there exists a moment of silence, a moment in which time does not seem to move. Like on a holiday. Like vacation in general. The ultimate reward for one year of passing time filled with activies, occurences, stress, obligations, tests, homework, and looking forward to the sea of spare time waiting at the end of the loop.
This starting point does not have to be a physical place, it can also be a kind of atmosphere. The days loaded with happy expectations, the days clouded by approaching unwanted situations, the days filled with stressful studying. The patterns of daily life reflected in the several loops.
Sometimes the starting point is a physical place. It could be place you don’t visit frequently or regularly, but visiting or driving by that place recalls memories by seeing, smelling or experiencing familiair buildings, odeurs and casualties as-usual.
Somehow the loops always contain moments of relieve, guilt and emptiness. Relieve when a busy period ends or a hated job is quit; guilt when grades turn out lower than expected due to loack of studying or a particular move is considered bad; emptiness when suddenly is realised the happy expectation has no content – just a transparant framwork – or a future is unconsciously feared.
The break in the loop is rarely ever one-sided; the atmosphere is mixed-up, because it is in those moments of vaccuumed time that both the urge to act according to long ago made promises of doing what couldn’t be done back then and realising the (this particular) holiday is outside general society, meaning two twings. 1) It is the opportunity to go wild and crazy, and 2) it depends on the traveling group (in this particular situation) whether going wild and crazy is possible. Because few people enjoy themselves in a wild an crazy way without good company. In short, an empty moment prevails, a kind of atmoshphere i’ve gone through before.
A moment of time vacuum also means no acces to everything that could be needed to achieve this long ago made promises. I have a list of things to do and somehow it grows, because of the pressure during a loop and the timeless moments in-between. The returning of this emptiness is also looped, for the one year of activities, homework and looking forward to is reduced to one segment, while the one or two weeks of holiday become the other segment: unevenly distributed.
Despite everything, the act of looking back to holidays with written diaries and taken photographs is necessary to complete the one-year loop. And somehow, this looking back recalls feelings of joy and pleasure, new jokes for conversations and confirms the newly gathered life experience. Loop closed.