Sometimes you feel you need to change the world. The days pass by and all you see is just not quite right. There are people who say they love you, but somehow they seem to love other people as well. You are content with your best friend(s), but somehow you never say them ‘I love you’. Why is that? Do we use the word ‘love’ only for our mothers, fathers, brothers, sisters and our lovers? But don’t you need to get to know the other one before you can speak of love? When does friendship turn into love? And how long does a friendship has to exist before it is possible to become a lover’s relation? But where to place love at first sight? And the unexpected cloud of butterflies rouming around in your system when you spot a cute guy or hot chick? Aren’t friends the ones you talk with about these crushes?
It may seem clear to you, but since I was a little girl I’ve always been wondering how people connect their souls within a relationship. I liked the fairytales of Cinderella and Snow White, the story of Sissy and those romcom’s in which girls and women live happily ever after with their prince. When I grew older parents of my friends got divorced. I heard and read about fourteen year old girls who were given away as brides. I found out about indoor violence, child abuse, porn, cheating, feuds, murder and impossible love. And I became afraid I may never find the boy of my dreams.
I always wished for someone nice, caring, funny, intelligent, practical, neat, handsome, understanding, none-religious, none-smoking etc, prefarably with blue eyes and brown hair. ‘Loving’ was never one of my conditions. I wonder why. Today I read in the newspaper, women appreciate it when their boyfriend or husband from time to time tells them ‘I love you’. Somehow I always have to think of those loverboys and abusive men who tell their victim ‘I love you’ in order to chain them to him. To me, it feels like a fake thing, an unnecessary utterance. I don’t have to hear from a guy that he loves me, he can show me he does. And I will understand. Perhaps I’m just not a common western girl, as Asian men look down on western women because we (or they) seem to abuse the word ‘love’.
Nearly every day I feel I need to change the world. I want to climb on a stage and call out: ‘Where are you?! I am here, waiting. I like music and writing stories and poetry. I am becoming an environmental scientist. I am not difficult at all as long as you…’ I have expectations. Uncounciously, I expect to find the boy of my dreams. I rather think I will find a boy, or no boy at al. He could only surpass my expectations by being beyond expectations. It is just sad how many people are disappointed in their love life, how crude and real reality is, and how little it looks like the fairytales I enjoyed so much when I was a little girl.
It is no use feeling lonely and depressed, so after you spent some time on your own (single) you begin to realise you hold on to every little bit of hope. And, unfortunately, these sparks of hope turn out to be not quite right for you. It feels like a huge job that has to be done, and you don’t know where to start. Where to find the boy of your dreams. There is only one thing Idefenitely learned in all these years, a thing I apply to nearly everything I have to wait for: patience. You see, it is also no use accompanied and depressed.
Someday I will change the world. I will find solutions to sociological and environmental problems, I will discuss the biggest failures of mankind and please everyone with the finest, deepest, most dramatic, happy and beautifully composed music and stories. Because, someday, the world will change for me.