Rain. Down on me. Hail. Cold drops. Cutting through weakened resistance. It hurts. Inside. In my head, behind my eyes, in my stomach. I wish. A lot of things. If I just did not do that. I am angry with myself. Bad situation. Hell of a situation, as there’s no one to blame, no one to shout at, no one who will understand. I only get wrong advice: ‘You shouldn’t do that.’, ‘You should do this.’ and ‘You’re just being stupid.’ As if I did not know yet.
Outside the rain has stopped. Inside there is a hurricane, a blizzard, with sharp edges releasing more pain arbitrarily. No one could help. And I don’t want help. I just want it to be fixed. Next Thursday is so far away, like a century from now. And all will start next week. Me getting one of the flu’s is not helping. It only gets worse. And worse.
The worst changes with time. By now, there are at least five things that make me faint. Seemingly normal things I can’t stand somehow. Just added another cause. Hate it. I don’t want to faint while seeing, feeling, imagining certain things. It’s stupid, weaked, crushed truth.
Rain will wash it all away. Rain is like time, but with time the fear grows. In my imagination. It has something to do with touching, I know it for sure. Hands and cheeks are fine, the rest is no-go-area. Shaking my head: future is unclear. Can you feel scared by thinking of the future? Because some things that cause me fainting will pass by someday, unavoidable.
And asking for peace is far from curing it.